Next week, on Christmas morning, I will watch my family open up gifts and I will open very little. This is by design. In October when I chose to have a personalized plan, we talked about Christmas. I had to buy new clothes last month, and sometime after the first of the year, I will need to buy them again. It seems silly to buy presents for the sake of buying them when I already have exactly what I wanted health and a personalized plan. The family is grumbling a bit because they don’t like me not opening presents, so there is a couple of small things for me to open just to please them, but overall, there will not be a post about some grand gift. My training time is my gift!
I have had amazing results and other than Coach trying to kill me during workouts, it has been relatively easy. UNTIL 10 days ago, and I got hungry. REAL HARDCORE HUNGER! It is HANGRY Hunger. I don’t even like the word HANGRY but it fits so we will use it. J Of course, I announced on facebook that I was hungry. I got a lot of responses – some on my wall, some private. Drink more water. Eat more protein. Is there something wrong with you? My favorite is this could be a spiritual attack.
Now, I am not discounting spiritual attacks. I live in them all the time it seems. I am almost always under attack, and if I am not, someone in my house is. With that said, I believe Satan and his attacks are very real. He has been so relentless and real that I became angry with God recently. I said a few things that allowed Satan a foothold. I had to go quiet and repent, then figure it all out. Thankfully, I had an amazing support system and I am regaining my footing slowly.
Back to my hunger, I am so close to one of my goals that I could blink and be there, or I could take a whole another year to get there. It is really about how I process it. I hit this goal years ago after surgery. I proudly exclaimed I would never see that number again. I didn’t count on a car accident or health issues. I just assumed I had hit success and I never would go there again.
You see, surgery is not the easy way out. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done! It was not fool proof or health proof, and it certainly wasn’t April- Proof! I am my own worst enemy. Yes, I weigh more now than back then, but I am back into the same size jeans. In essence, I am back where I started IF you throw out the scale. I thought I had made amends with the scale, but as I get so close I have become obsessed again. Obsession over a scale is unhealthy and self-defeating.
As I was driving this morning, I went through all the suggestions. I could drink more water, but I don’t think that is it. I already eat a lot of protein. My thought to the question is something wrong with me? TAPEWORMS. ;) It could naturally explain this bottomless pit that I have acquired lately. I doubt it. It could be nothing is wrong and my metabolism has kicked up a notch. It could be that I am not making the best choices. I have gotten bored and lazy with food prep. Lastly, I thought about the spiritual attack, I mean, it would be nice to place the blame somewhere else, so I sat in it for a minute.
Here is what I came up with: Satan is not causing me hunger. He is not even stopping from that number, I AM! FEAR is stopping me. How do I know? I want CAKE AND FUDGE! I don’t even like cake or fudge. How can I be craving something I don’t even like? My mind has not caught up to my body. It scares me to think that healthy is not a fad, nor is it temporary. I think I am scared to get there again, because it means that I will have to work at this for the rest of my life.
Today, I am going to sit with this. I am going to reflect on the fact that I am once again in self-sabotage mode. I am going to accept that this is ME and not a spiritual attack, but I will lean on God to keep me strong. I am going to trust this process with my coach because it is a journey, not necessarily an end destination. J I am going to kick fear in the teeth, knowing I will see that number, whether it is tomorrow or two weeks from now. I am going to embrace that healthy is normal and a lifelong change!