I spent the better part of this year in emotional over-drive. Life was hitting hard and fast. Some of it was controllable and some of it was not. I found that BEING means many things and is different for each person, but for me, the lesson was long and would take all year for me to grasp it.
First, I had to learn to BE in God’s will. Even if this meant putting my Ironman dreams on hold. I learned that NOT NOW does not mean NEVER. It simply means NOT NOW. I had to stop to chasing after others, and wanting to be like them. Sounds simple enough? Right? Wrong! I have never believed in WHO I could be, so I picked someone and tried to keep up. I have never had a lot of close friends. Most of the people I trust have been around forever and just accept me as me. It was hard for me to be in this NEW group of people that was smaller than me, more athletic than me, and believe that I was accepted just as I was, EVEN if I couldn’t keep up. I was scared to lose them because they had become such an important part of my life, and God was saying STOP. I did what I do and told them the truth. Guess what? They are still here! They still care, and they have pushed me to listen to God and follow his plan! Don’t get me wrong, we still have a lot of the same goals and we still do crazy stuff together, BUT, we also have individual goals and dreams!
Second, I had to learn to be PRESENT! I fell victim to “I am good at multi-tasking”. No, I am not, and neither are you. No one is good at multi-tasking because our brains are not wired that way. I cannot do the task at hand well IF I am planning for the next item on my to-do list. It is not fair to my family, my work, my volunteer time or my health. I had to learn to FOCUS on the ONE Task at hand and give it all I had, then move on to the next thing. I, also, had to start letting things go. Some things were temporary and others were permanent. Pairing down my commitments was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but for my mental and emotional well-being it was a necessity. In prioritizing life, I upset people; some walked away and others I let go. I believe that the people and commitments in my life NOW are the ones that belong.
As I learned to BE in God’s will and to BE present, the next phase of being was to “Get Out of the Boat”. I was confused because I am pretty bold and doing hard things is natural for me. Yet, it was everywhere, “Get out of the Boat”. Here is where it would all change. Here is where the whole year would finally make sense. Here is where the hardest Spiritual Battle ever would ensue. Right here, life made sense when God showed me how to get out of the Boat.
I signed up for a personal plan at Crossfit. My coach would now program my workouts specifically for me. He would now see my food log every week. He would give me a bed time and call me out if he saw me on social media later than that. It seemed as though, he was taking over my life! It was scary and it was rough. All of my life I have had two camps of people and there never seems to be in between – those who only want the BEST and those who wish for me to FAIL. The problem is I have always listened to those who want me to FAIL. I remember the first week of my plan, I was talking to my Coach about a workout and I said, “I sucked at it”. He explained to me that we were going to re-train my vocabulary and I was going to quit saying that. Slowly but surely, it is changing. You see, I may not do great at a workout today, but the workout is never wasted if I show up and work. He wanted me to see the daily workouts are a journey and not every day would be perfect. At first, I was in need of constant reminders but the reminders are not having to come as often.
Some days, I want to tell him to STOP that I am going to DIE! I am telling you, he works me to the bone! I have had to learn to not to pre-judge a workout because I am usually wrong. If i am going to die on this workout, it is just best not to know ahead of time. Yet, I keep showing up. I keep getting stronger. I keep shrinking. As this was happening, life around me went into another tail-spin. It was hard and I couldn’t breathe. During this time, I only missed one workout, and I told him in advance. Something amazing happened, I did not go off the rails. I did not eat everything in sight. I did not quit my workout regimen. I did spin out of control emotionally and spiritually, but not so far out of control that I couldn’t find my footing fairly quickly. I know if you were around it felt like an eternity, but in comparsion, it was over quickly. It was not an easy time and spiritually I feel like I am still shaky, but I am standing. One day, he asked me why things were different this time. I didn’t have an answer for him, but I have been thinking about it for a while now.
So what is the difference? Part of it is accountability. Please know that I blame none of you for my lack of huge success. However, everyone is scared of me. When I need to be reminded that my health must be a priority, but life takes over, you give me pity because you don’t want to upset me. When I need to eat better, but you want to eat bad with me, neither of us stops the other. I have to tell him everything I eat. If I am being stupid or putting my health journey in jeopardy, HE TELLS ME! He is the first person is who is UNAFRAID to tell me to get over myself! His wife is no less afraid of me! :) I joke that I hired a coach meaner than me. I guess in a way, its true because of his bluntness. He and his wife are not mean, they are two of the most caring people you will ever meet. BUT, someone has to be unafraid when it comes to telling the truth. Someone has to be willing to say, YOU are part of your own problem. It was a harsh reality to hear, but they did it and I am so thankful that they walk with me on this.
The second part is the whole reason for my word BEING! In the year of 2015, I am becoming the BEING that God created me to be! I have my own goals and dreams. I have my own failures and successes! I am responsible for my own actions and thoughts. For the first time in my life, I am working on MY OWN GOALS – not goals others think I need or are doing. I am not scared of my goals because someone said they are stupid. I am living the life I want to live! I am on the journey I want to be on! As much fun as a cheering squad is, I don’t need one to be the best ME that I can be. Through God’s strength and while in HIS will, I can become all I am meant to be without that squad, and in spite of the haters.
In the year of BEING, I cut out everything NON-IMPORTANT! If you are still here and involved in my life, it is because you provide VALUE! It is because you are wanted! It is freeing not to feel required to DO just for the sake of DOING! The thought of just BEING is very peaceful!