My dog is sick and they think it’s possibly cancer. I just spent a LOT of money on an OLD dog. I don’t even like animals all that much. I mean, I take care of them and I don’t believe in abusing them, but I just don’t get emotionally wrapped up in them. At least, not like my family does. Guess what? I think I was wrong. Sadie spent the night at the vet recovering from surgery last night. I spent a lot of time consoling my youngest and talking to the other two. Emotions are high. She was my daddy’s dog, so everyone is hanging on for dear life. Currently, she is still functioning and happy. We are waiting for the biopsy to confirm or deny the diagnosis. This morning, I was lost. No dog to trip over or let out to go to the bathroom. She was just not there and it was a sad morning. For the first time, maybe ever, I think I felt like she was actually my dog. I need to help her because she is ours, not because she was his. We gave her a good life after my daddy died and we are trying hard to prolong her life as long as she can have quality life. While there are still a lot of what-ifs, I am at PEACE!
My shoulder issue turned out to be a neck issue so I am back in Physical Therapy. He agreed with both of my doctors about Ironman. There are still no emotions or tears about Ironman. We have been waiting and they are not coming. I am confused! I am still sad, but I don’t feel defeated. I really want to be there, I REALLY DO, so why am I at such peace? I should be back to lifting soon. I am not completely down, just no overheard lifting until my arm doesn’t go numb. It has been almost a week, so things are improving fast. Now that I am not doing Ironman on Friday, I am participating in Carry the Load in La Vergne. This organization marches across the country and honors the lives lost in the line of duty (military, police, fire or EMS). They honor those who made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedoms and safety. Maybe this is where I was supposed to be all along. I don’t know. I just know, for now, I am at PEACE!
Lives are falling apart around me, especially marriages. There are other issues happening in other families – child behavior issues, financial and/or job worries. I am talking to broken people on a daily basis. People who are focusing on making themselves better. People who are focusing on strengthening their relationship with God. These people are trusting me with their hearts. It is not something I take lightly. It is also not something I am taking personal. I can give them wisdom, guidance and a shoulder, but I can’t make their decisions for them. In the past, when someone would struggle, if they didn’t listen to me, I would take that as me being a failure. The truth is, I can’t change anyone. I can share my story and hope that people will learn from my mistakes but I can’t own their walk. I can hold their hand through the pain. I can cheer them on during the good and coach them when they make questionable decisions. Again, I am at PEACE!
Through all of these times, Aaron and I have had some great conversations. We have done something I thought we would never do, re-visited the past. We discussed the worst time of our marriage. We had been hesitant to go there because we didn’t want to bring up old arguments. We didn’t want to re-enter the crazy cycle we were on. We had a specific purpose for going there and we accomplished that purpose WITHOUT anger or hostility. God showed me that while we made a lot of mistakes, and there was a lot of hurt and anger, we also seized the opportunity to grow. We are not the same people from that time period. Again, WE are at PEACE!
I have learned a lot recently. There is still so much that I can’t control. I need to make the best decisions possible and then I have to trust. Finding peace in the storm, I believe may be the first step in experiencing joy in the storm. Maybe Joy is already there, I just don’t know yet!