This time last year, exactly one year ago, I was having a semi-nervous breakdown in my living room. I was one week away from graduation, and I had a party to host that night and another one the next night. I was sure there was no way, I could survive everything I needed to and make it to graduation. I started packing up Christmas decorations and CRIED! As things always do, they worked out and I walked at graduation. I was so focused on school and work and family that I had not noticed my mother’s deteriorating health. Right after graduation, we went through a whirlwind of tests. Tests they were sure were cancer. Tests proved they were wrong. I spent the better part of this year dealing with tests for her and my children. Then I spent another part of the year on physical therapy with me and one child. It seemed like we kept overcoming obstacles. We just took them head on – one at a time. We cried! We prayed! We begged God! He was faithful! He listened! We kept believing. He Showed UP in a big way more than once. Now I am here in this downfall again, ONE YEAR later! WHY? Why is trusting so HARD? WHY is faith so HARD?
I HATE December! It has taken so many people from me that I sometimes I wish we could skip the whole month. Yet, I LOVE December! December gave me Suzie! It is the time where we celebrate the birth of our savior. So I flip flop between the love and hate. Some days, I don’t even know what I feel.
I LOVE Military life! This life has brought me so many friends that can't imagine living without. It has brought me to my passion and my purpose. Yet, I HATE military life. Military life brings war and PTSD, and sometimes, death. It takes people from us in many different ways. Right now, I have a friend, she is preparing to graduate, then she will move away to live with her husband at his duty station. Tonight is our Christmas party. Tonight is the night some will say good-bye. Others will say good-bye at her graduation party. Either way, in one week, our friend is leaving us. It’s the part of military I HATE! Since my emotions are on high it is hard to stomach.
I used to LOVE food! Everything about food: cooking, eating out, parties, I have always loved it! This time last year, I knew some foods were not a good for me, and I had an allergy to almonds, but overall, I was free to eat as I wished. This past year has changed all of that. I now have an allergy to eggs, and I have grown to HATE food. There is nothing fun about cooking anymore. People snicker and talk about me to my face and behind my back. Monday, someone was very mean to me about my food choices, as if it really is a choice. It was hard to hear, but it is how most people see me, OBNOXIOUS and OBSESSED with food. I wish these people knew how hard it is to go into an atmosphere surrounded by food and have to question everything because it could kill you. It is a real struggle. Shortly, after this comment was made, I met my husband to attend a Health and Wellness seminar that we had been invited too. Dinner was served and it looked harmless: Grilled Chicken, Rice and Broccoli. We were cautious with the salad and dressings, but the main entrée seemed very harmless. Rice was my safe dish. WRONG! The rice had almonds in it, and even after it was pointed out, I could not find them. I am now struggling with the effects on my body. I slept for 48 hours straight with no relief and finally had to be put on steroids. The steroids are affecting my emotions. I didn’t realize how much until I went to buy a gift card. I walked through the store almost paralyzed in my fear. Fear is gripping at me again. No meal is safe unless I PREPARE IT! My safe dish is no longer safe. Food is no longer my friend, it is more like a frienemy. I need it to stay alive but it could also kill me at any moment. I need it to nourish my body for my physical activities but one mistake and I can’t get out of bed. One mistake could be fatal. As my body is fighting to recover, I can’t say that death wouldn’t be easier. I know its not my time. My work here is not finished, but this is HARD. This is my life and people judge me because of it. This is a SCARY place to be! I am fearful for my life and people just see me as difficult. The comments are hurtful but I guess real. I am not difficult because I want to be, I am difficult because I don’t want to die.
This week has put me back into a place of FEAR…and I am having a hard time climbing out it. FEAR of death, for myself and others! FEAR of good-byes! FEAR of Food! In 2015, I have major physical events and two tests that I need to take to move through my certifications. FEAR of Failure is creeping back in. FEAR of test taking! FEAR of wasting money if I don’t pass the certifications! FEAR of WHO I AM SUPPOSED TO BE and WHETHER I am on the right path.
I am in a struggle to NOT camp in this life of FEAR. I can't go back to that scared girl. I won't! I have come too far to go there.
I am clinging to the promise that I am not alone! I am clinging to my purpose and my passion, but I am FEARFUL of the next steps!